From the obscene wake up calls, mixed in with the already interrupted sleep,
I don’t want to parent today.
I don’t want to roll out of my oh-so-warm bed to attend to the daily ongoings of being a parent, which starts with a very loud crying baby.
I don’t want to make sandwiches for the lunches today, or lay out the uniforms out ready for the day. I don’t want to change the baby out of the clean clothes I just put him in, because regardless of a bib, he’s still managed to smear porridge into the back of his top and down his trousers.
I don’t want to step out into the cold and do the school run with an overtired, screaming baby. Not to mention the fact we’re now running late because he decided to do a poo and take his shoes and coat off as I was putting mine on. I don’t want to then have to walk home with even more stares from other parents and mentally have to explain that my child didn’t want to sleep last night and now we’re all paying for it. I don’t want to have to make a bottle to calm him down – for him to then NOT go for a much needed nap. I don’t want to sit there and pretend to be excited and interested in baby play or to pick up the balls for the ball pit 10x over, and listen to the same half-a-song from the bloody musical toys I so lovingly asked for at Christmas time. I don’t want to watch my baby fall over hundreds of times because his balance is still rubbish and worry that this time he’s really hurt himself.
I don’t want to have to repeat myself over and over; “No, Don’t touch the bin it’s dirty. I said no.”, “Leave the cat alone. Play nicely!”, “No, don’t play with that.”, “No, stop pulling out my clean washing onto the floor.”, “Stop throwing things out of the pushchair.” Or answer the hundreds of questions children so innocently ask; “Mummy, how do eyes work?”, “Mummy, why is it snowing?”, “Mummy, How can it be Winter here and Summer in Australia?”, “Mummy…Mummy…Mummy…” Mummy doesn’t know, nor to be honest, do I care today.
I don’t want to think about what’s for dinner, let alone prepare it and cook it. What’s even in the cupboards? I didn’t have time to check this morning, and I really can’t be bothered to be wonder-cook, so I’m sorry kids but it’s chicken nuggets, chips and beans tonight.
I don’t want to play pretend in the bath, drinking pretend cups of chocolate milkshakes or being a mermaid princess. I don’t want to sing songs and retell a hundred fairy tale stories.
I don’t want to parent today.
But, after all that, I look at my kids when they’re all tucked up asleep in bed, and the day just melts away. This is why we do it. They are why we persevere through the shittiest of days. It’s not easy, and in no way is it my kids fault for how I was feeling. From day one I knew what I was getting into, and whilst days like this are few and far between, it’s okay to have a day where you just don’t want to. After all, we’re only human. It’s a full on and demanding job to be a parent, and sometimes you feel like you’re in over your head; you’re sinking rather than swimming. But that’s okay. These feelings won’t last forever, your kids won’t be this young forever. So I kept telling myself to just get on with it, smile through the gritted teeth and frustration. Just get today out of the way, tomorrow is a new day.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?